I don't want to remember my human face
by smaragdbird
Summary: ohn Connor died in an attack but the resistance needs a leader so Kate grafts John Connor's face onto Marcus Wright. At first it seems like a good deal but Marcus is losing himself in his new identity and his feelings for Kyle aren't helping. Slash


John Connor died in the helicopter while they were escaping from the exploding San Francisco location of SkyNet. Not only was the head of the resistance dead, now its most prominent voice and face was dead as well.

Talk about bittersweet victory.

"What now?" Kyle was the first to break the silence after Kate had declared Connor's death.

"Now nothing." Barnes snapped at him from the co-pilot seat: "That we destroyed SkyNet's centre means nothing without Connor."

"You could elect a new leader." Marcus said.

"Fuck off, toaster." Barnes replied disgusted.

"Marcus is right." As if to emphasise his point, Kyle touched Marcus' arm when he turned around to glare at Barnes: "The Resistance is still there. All it needs is a new leader."

"You don't get it kid," Barnes said dismissively: "Connor _was_ the resistance. Fuck those guys in the submarine, Connor kept us alive. He's the voice and the face of the resistance."

"No one is irreplaceable." Marcus argued.

"Maybe not in the long run, no, but time is something we don't have." Kate was remarkably calm for a woman whose husband had just died under her hands, Marcus thought.

"But time is something we don't have. We've just had our first major victory against the machines in nearly two decades of fighting but without John holding us together we won't be able to keep our edge over them."

Then, when no one said anything, she added: "I have an idea." And she looked at Marcus in such a dispassionate, speculative way that it made Kyle shiver.

/

Kate's plan sounded easy; well not in easy in the details but easy enough in general: grafting Connor's face over Marcus', using a salvaged technology from the machines, and having him pretend to be John Connor. Barnes protested, at first, as did Blair but Kate was adamant in her choice and Marcus...Marcus figured that with Connor dead there was no other way the resistance would let him life.

Talk about second chances.

/

"Hey, "Kyle said when he stood in the door. Connor had lived here with Kate, now Marcus lived here with Kate. Kyle noticed that Marcus had put some rags over the mirror in one corner.

"Hey." It was strange, hearing Marcus' voice from Connor's mouth. Kate explained the difference with a wound to the larynx. She hadn't been able to fix Marcus' hand although Marcus didn't seem to mind. He had said something about Star Wars and skywalking, whatever that was and usually wore a glove to hide his hand.

Kyle walked in and closed the door behind him.

"Are you sleeping enough?" He asked, hoping onto the desk Marcus was standing next to.

"You're my mother, kid?" Marcus asked with raised eyebrows. It was a very Marcus-like gesture but it looked out of place on Connor's face.

"Don't call me that," Kyle muttered. "I promised Star I would ask. She told me you're not getting enough."

"How would she know?"

"She's not sleeping either. Not used to so many people."

"And you are?"

"Before my dad died, we lived in a fallout shelter." Kyle shrugged. Star's promise had been convenient. He hadn't seen Marcus in days but hadn't been able to think of a reason to speak with him. Marcus was Connor now and Connor was busy keeping the Resistance together after HQ had been destroyed.

"Can hear you thinking, kid." Marcus smiled amused when Kyle glared at him.

"So, someone's taught you to shoot yet? Or are you just sitting around at the moment?"

"I'm helping Wisher building traps for the machines."

"Like the one you had in LA."

"Better." Kyle grinned confidently: "I have better resources here." Marcus grinned at that and Kyle grinned back. At that point, however, Kate came in, asking: "John have you-"

She stopped when she saw them and Kyle wondered what she saw that made her stop because for a moment her face slipped into an expression he couldn't name before she gave him a polite smile: "Hello, Kyle." Then she turned to Marcus: "John, New Orleans wants to speak with you."

Marcus' grin disappeared as soon as Kate called him John but he rolled his eyes at Kyle and said: "See you, kid." And by the way he said it; Kyle knew that Marcus only called him kid to see him clench his teeth. Connor, Kyle was certain, would have never done that.

/

"Mind if I come in?" Marcus asked but before he could answer Star had already taken his hand and pulled him inside, obviously happy to see him. She opened a box and took out something that looked like a half-finished bomb but when Marcus looked more closely he saw that it was an old record player.

"Seriously?" He asked but Star determinedly pushed the thing into his lap.

"Just because I fixed the radio doesn't mean I can fix everything." As an answer, Star crossed her arms over her chest and pointedly looked at the record player.

"Fine, but if this doesn't work, don't come crying to me." Marcus grinned when he saw her rolling her eyes at that.

"You raised her to be this pushy, kid?" He asked Kyle.

"I saved your skin when we first met, remember?" Kyle glared at him, just like he knew Marcus expected him to: "That kind of disqualifies me from being a kid."

"It just disqualifies you from being an idiot."

"You mean like you? You were practically asking that T600 to shoot you in the face."

"Star, hit him for me. I'd do it myself but I'm pretty sure saint-Connor never hit children."

Instead Star grinned and wrapped her arms around Kyle's neck.

"Kids these days." Marcus shook his head but dropped it to hide his grin.

/

"What do you guys do for fun?" Marcus asked Kate that night.

"For fun?" She repeated it as if she had forgotten the meaning of the word.

"Yeah, when you're not fighting, what are you doing?" she shrugged.

"We fuck." She said bluntly: "But usually we don't have the time."

"We should have a party."

"A party?" She echoed, clearly not impressed with his suggestion.

"You said it yourself: first major victory against SkyNet. That should merit a party, shouldn't it?"

"My husband died, we lost HQ, the war is still raging on and you want to throw a party." She could have as well said "You moron".

"I get that it's a hard life," She gave him an extremely sceptical look: "But I think it would keep up morale. You wanted me to think like a leader, didn't you?"

"I want you to think like John." She corrected him, slightly icily: "But sure, why not."

/

Barnes, of course, went nearly apeshit as soon as Marcus suggested it but everyone else seemed to be absolutely thrilled by the subject. So much in fact that it was soon something that moved on its own accord.

Marcus managed to repair the record player and someone unearthed a tape with Irish folk music.

"That was a good idea." Blair told him. He had been watching Kyle twirling Star around when Blair approached him. Kate had been at his side earlier, a show for the majority of the people at the base, but left some time ago to speak with someone. Marcus wasn't sure where she was and to be honest didn't really care either.

"Yeah," he answered absentmindedly. The song ended and Star, having spotted him through the crowd, took Kyle's hand and made their way through the crowd to him. Kyle was so close Marcus could smell him, his eyes startling blue in his flushed face, a light sheen of sweat on his skin. Without knowing why, Marcus though _He's beautiful_ and denying that he had just thought that a second later. Star was standing next to them, looking at him and Kyle with more understanding than a nine-year-old should have.

Star took his hand and pulled.

"Oh, no, I don't dance." Marcus protested. Star pulled at his hand again, glaring at him when he wouldn't move.

"Don't argue with Star, she always wins." Kyle laughed, breathlessly gulping down some water. Blair threw her arm over Kyle's shoulder.

"Come on, pretty boy; let us show them how it's done." She dragged Kyle, who gave Marcus a helpless but happy grin as she did, into the crowd of other dancers.

Star's look was loud enough that she might as well have spoken out loud.

"Okay, but only one song." Marcus told her and her answering smile was bright enough to light the whole room.

/

"You should stay away from that boy." Barnes had threw Marcus against the wall and held him there by his shoulders.

"What are you speaking about?" Marcus spat.

"I speak about Kyle Reese."

"You're telling me Connor never spoke to his people?"

"It's not people with you, just the boy and the little girl."

"That's my decision." Marcus shoved him off but Barnes pinned him against the wall again.

"No, it's not. I know you just agreed with this so we wouldn't kill you, but act your role or Kate will lose her husband a second time." Barnes threatened with ice-cold fury in his voice before he let go.

/

Barnes hadn't needed to worry because Marcus didn't see Kyle again for nearly two weeks. Kate wrote his speeches to the outside world, so that everyone on the damn planet knew that John Connor was still alive and fighting; then there was the raid on Las Vegas of which Kyle was actually a part of but he drove a transporter while Marcus was giving orders from a helicopter.

And finally, Kate gave birth to John Connor's child.

Marcus had left the scene, which earned him some teasing for being such a man but he really didn't want to be there.

The garage was quiet and deserted. Marcus liked being here. Connor had been a computer guy; Marcus preferred a more hands-on approach to repairing things.

"Thought I'd find you here." Kyle stood underneath the wing of the war bird Marcus was sitting on and held a plate up: "One day old coyote, better than three day old coyote." He grinned. Marcus took the plates, then gave Kyle a hand up.

"Guess you heard it then." He said gruffly.

"Congratulations?" Kyle gave him an uncertain, wavering smile.

"For Connor, maybe."

"Everyone thinks you are Connor." Yeah, as if the mirror didn't remind himself of that every time Marcus had to look in it to shave.

"Do you?"

"No." Just this one, short word but Marcus felt as if someone had taken the load off of his mind.

"Why not?"

"Your voice, mostly. Connor always sounded as if he had a sore throat. Your eyes, too. Connor's were dark, yours definitely aren't."

"Sometimes I don't remember my face anymore." Marcus confided without looking at Kyle. When he did look up to meet Kyle's eyes there was a strange expression in them but before Marcus could even begin to guess Kyle leaned forward and pressed his lips to Marcus'.

Kyle had obviously never kissed someone else before but he didn't let that stop him, pushing, clawing into Marcus and Marcus found himself pushing back, pulling Kyle closer. His skin tingled where Kyle touched him and someone had let a swarm of butterflies loose in his stomach. It felt like being a teenager again, only good, better even and Marcus had never felt like this before. He wanted to stay here and kiss Kyle forever, Kyle who had saved his life, Kyle who saw him only as Marcus Wright and never as John Connor, Kyle who he-

"Connor! You're here?" It was Barnes. Marcus had never hated the other man as much as in this moment. Kyle withdrew from the kiss but they were so tangled together that his face was barely an inch away from Marcus' when he said breathlessly: "It's probably important."

Marcus kissed him again. Fuck Barnes, fuck important and fuck the whole world.

"Man, your kid is born. Get your ass down here."

"Marcus." Kyle said again, more urgently but Marcus didn't want to listen: "You need to go."

"I'll be back." Marcus promised and let go.

/

Sarah, as Kate had decided to name their kid, didn't stir anything in Marcus. She was just a baby and he couldn't care less. He would have thought, even though she wasn't his, that he would feel something like he did for Star but he didn't. He smiled and kissed Kate's hair because there were other people around them and he supposed they were waiting for Connor's response to his daughter but he could still feel Kyle's lips on his and his skin still tingled where Kyle had touched him. He felt detached from what was happening around him, too occupied with that kiss, with Kyle.

Everyone was congratulating him, something Marcus barely registered except that he was searching for Kyle's face in the crowd but he wasn't there. He's practically shivering with anticipation to see Kyle again, to find some dark corner far away from all this and kiss him again and again and again. Marcus' hands itched to feel Kyle's body underneath their fingertips again, to explore and learn the shape of every rib and every vertebra.

Fortunately everyone thought that Connor was too overwhelmed to notice that Marcus wasn't playing his part as the proud father convincingly enough.

/

Marcus was up all night, restless with pent-up energy and impatience. He didn't want to wait until morning. He wanted to see Kyle right now.

"Kyle!" Marcus called the next morning, nearly running through the hallway to catch up with him. He didn't care that people were throwing him odd looks when he grabbed Kyle's wrist and dragged him into Connor's empty office. As soon as the door closed, Marcus had Kyle against it and kissed him like Kyle had kissed him the night before: clumsily, passionately, and overenthusiastically.

"So it's not just me." Kyle murmured when Marcus finally let him go to get some air.

"Hell, kid." Marcus said and kissed him again. He wanted to slide his hands all over Kyle's body, learn every angle and texture and-

"Connor, you're in here?" Blair's voice came loud from the other side of the door. Kyle and Marcus leapt apart just in time before she came in.

"We wanted to go over the details for the LA raid, remember?" She asked him, acknowledging Kyle's presence with a nod.

"Sure. Kyle, you're coming?"

"Me? What should I do?"

"I know you know the city, come on."

Each time throughout the whole meeting Marcus found himself smiling whenever he met Kyle's eyes. He tried to stop it but couldn't, maybe Kate had crosswired something in his brain when she had given him Connor's face. Barnes looked at him with deep suspicion but Marcus ignored it. Having Kyle so near and not being able to kiss him was distracting, sure but it also made him feel better than he had in days.

It turned out that having an affair while you pretended to be a happily married father and leader of the resistance was more complicated and difficult than expected but they made it work somehow, or at least more or less.

/

No one was happy with it but Marcus insisted on going out with the rest of his people on the raid. Connor, he pointed out to Barnes, had fought on the front line as well or else he wouldn't be dead. What he didn't mention was that there was no way in hell he would let Kyle go out there alone. There was a part of his brain that told him that Kyle was one of the people that were largely capable of taking care of themselves but another part of his brain felt protective towards him and that part usually won.

There was a SkyNet research lab that Barnes wanted destroyed but Kate had argued that it could give them an advantage to raid SkyNet's sources first or as Kyle had pointed out they could try to take the lab as a new base for the LA-branch of the resistance.

"Feeling nostalgic?" Marcus asked Kyle over the radio while they were approaching their target. Kyle was driving one of the transporters again while Marcus waited with a group of soldiers in a helicopter for the pilots to attack so that they could begin their raid.

"No one's shooting at us yet." Kyle pointed out. Marcus groaned: "Don't jinx it, kid."

"What, you wouldn't walk into SkyNet for me again?" Kyle mocked him. One of the soldiers shot Marcus a surprised look.

"Long story," Marcus told him and replied to Kyle: "Who said I was going there for you and not for Star?"

"Really? That's the best you can come up with?" Kyle scoffed.

"I'll show you what I can come up with." Marcus growled but he was smiling.

"You're all talk and no-"Kyle was interrupted when the first rockets exploded underneath them.

"That was close." One of the pilots said.

"How long until we reach ground?" Marcus asked her.

"Two minutes. "The helicopter made a sudden move sideward: "One minute." She corrected herself.

/

The ground around the lab was hell. Marcus ducked behind a car when only a couple meters away another rocket exploded but it was impossible to say whether it had come from the machines or one of their own planes.

"Get down!" Marcus yelled but he didn't need to: everyone was already ducking and hiding, trying to avoid being hit by a bomb.

Guns were as good as useless for fighting the terminators that were the obstacle between them and the lab but they had a couple of rocket launchers and the first thing everyone learned to survive in this world was how to disable a terminator by slicing through the main supply lines in its neck.

"One, two , three." Marcus gestured and then leapt over the car, vaguely registering that a couple bullets hit his chest before he rammed his knife deep into the machine's neck. He rolled over the ground, taking a gun and shooting the next terminator. It may not hurt them but it distracted the thing long enough for another soldier to jump its back and slit the lines.

Next to him, someone screamed and Marcus saw how on terminator ripped a soldiers to shreds with its hands.

Marcus tried not to think about that without Kyle, this machine could have been him, tearing humans apart because he was told to by a computer program.

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Kyle, clinging to the back of a T600. Its neck was crusted over and Kyle visibly struggled to get his knife between the vertebrae.

"Connor!" Someone yelled but not soon enough. Marcus' gloved hand was caught by a mototerminator and dragged him over the ground, ripping his clothes apart and his skin. Marcus tried to reach for his knife with his free hand but the mototerminator was too fast. Finally his glove tore apart and Marcus lay still on the ground. Above him he could see the planes fighting the aerobots. It was nearly a pretty sight in its destructiveness.

"Sir, you need to get up, sir." Marcus blinked. A soldier was standing next to him but his fearful eyes were alternating between Marcus' face and his hand. Almost lazily Marcus held it up and saw the naked metal between the scraps of his glove.

Suddenly the soldier was crumbling to his knees as if struck by a bullet and Kyle was standing there instead, holding a hand out for him.

Marcus took it, slightly dazed.

"You killed him." He said when he saw blood on Kyle's knife.

"I know him. He would have told someone." Kyle's eyes were hard, cold, like Kate's and Marcus was once again reminded that Kyle didn't need his protection at all.

"Here," Kyle took his scarf off and handed it to Marcus: "For your hand."

"Thanks. You got my back?"

"Always. Let's go."

/

"We occupied one of SkyNet's major research labs." Kate said and Marcus nodded, he knew this already, having been a part of the attack.

"There has been some talk that we should use it as a new base." She continued, making Marcus wonder where this was going: "And I think you should go there as well."

"You want me gone?" Marcus felt surprised; after all it had been her idea to keep John Connor alive.

"SkyNet's still after every Connor it can get." Blair pointed out: "And it would be easier to protect you if you weren't all in one place."

"Take Kyle with you, and Star," Kate added with a knowing look.

"That's it?" Marcus asked sceptically. Kate laid her hand over his.

"Just promise me that you will keep fighting for us." Kate may have been cold but she was beautiful in her pleading and in another life this might have worked out between them better than it had happened now.

"They're hunting my family as much as yours," Marcus told her, holding her eyes: "I will never stop fighting them."

/

In ten years a T200 model would infiltrate the LA-base and kill John Connor.

Two years after that Kate Connor would send Kyle Reese back to 1984 after finding out about a planned assassination of Sarah Connor by a T800.

The rest, as they say, is history.


End file.
